There are times when I’ll go for weeks doing nothing. I’ll still work, I’ll still eat, and I’ll run my errands. But none of it feels real. It’s just numbness and a lack of focus and drive. I still try to things sometimes, but it just ends up with me sticking to the basics and just surviving, not actually living. But the worst part about that is when you know that it’s happening, but can’t seem to stop it. You know you should do more, but you can’t seem to make yourself do anything other than what you absolutely need to.
And the thing is that it’s an incredibly difficult concept to put into words because there are so many conflicting ideas. Over time, I’ve given names to these ideas because it makes me feel better thinking that there are separate entities in my head instead of admitting that it’s just me arguing with myself over things that supposed “normal” people don’t have to give a second thought about. Mainly, the problem stems from the over-thinking that comes with anxiety, and the lack of motivation to even care about things that accompanies depression. I have named them Gnome and Glob, which would be a lovely name for a television show on Cartoon Network if I could summon the drive and focus to work up some sketches and a plot. And also if they weren’t such debilitating assholes.
You see, Gnome is a bit of a twat. When I think I’m finally accomplishing something or getting better and my motivation starts returning, he likes to interject to make sure I stop in my tracks before anything can go wrong. For example, here’s the argument we had while I was writing this post:
Sometimes I can fight Gnome and continue to do what I intended to do, although it takes longer than I had hoped it would. But when Glob also takes up residence in my head, I’m lucky if I can get enough energy to take a shower. Glob could most closely be compared to “gloomy ol’ Eeyore” as far as emotions are concerned. But Glob is like Eeyore if we went around the Hundred Acre Wood smothering Winnie the Pooh and all his friends with musty pillows while morosely recalling every single time any of them felt the slightest disappointment or moment of sadness.
Gnome and Glob seem to have no concept of timing when they visit either. They’re like your out-of-town cousins that come to visit without calling first when you have plans that have been booked for months. Gnome will then start telling you all the things that could go wrong and how much you suck, and the Glob will remind you of that time that you went somewhere thinking you’d have a blast and then you arrived late, missed part of the show, and got yelled at by an old woman who hit your car with her door because you parked too close even though you were in the middle of the spot.
I’m sure I’m not the only one with these asshats in my head. But with the growing awareness of mental illnesses, maybe more conversations will keep happening about ways to get your life back. I haven’t figured out a way to live with these unwelcome guests yet, but seeing that they’re there and want to stay to disrupt future plans and fun makes me want to renew my efforts to get them to leave for good. Or at least once a month for know. And it would be nice if they called first.